The End of a Journey
by Ryann Donahoe
Three weeks before our last baby was born my husband and I sat in the kitchen staring at each other. It felt like an eternity had past although it was probably only sixty seconds. “I’m not ready.” I said. “I can’t possibly see this being my last pregnancy. I just can’t do it.” This was followed by the discussion we had been having for the last nine months. We have four children and this was my third pregnancy. To an outsider looking in they probably thought we were more than ready. I’ve had three c-setions so if we wanted to get my tubes tied now was the time. At the beginning of this pregnancy (which took us by surprise) people would ask me things like, “How many more do you plan on having!?” I would laugh and say, “Oh this is it for us!” Even though I had an ache every time I said those words. Was I really ready? Fast forward and there we were. Standing in the kitchen having one of the most emotional conversations we have ever had. “If you aren't ready then we aren’t doing it.” He had the most peaceful tone in his voice. I immediately felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders thinking that maybe this was it for us but maybe it wasn't. If we woke up one day five years down the road we would have the option to bring another precious baby into our family. Let’s face it, I would for sure be ready after that! I was in pure bliss for the next three weeks.
Dreaming of what our baby would be, trying to imagine all of it’s little facial features and being at peace with the fact that this wasn't necessarily the end of my pregnancy journeys. The journeys that I have loved but also hated at the same time. Before I knew it we welcomed a precious baby girl and she is every bit her father. If she didn't grow in my uterus people would probably be questioning that I was her mother. Ten weeks flew by and I was probably the happiest I had ever been. We had the most perfect healthy babies, our marriage was the best it had ever been and we were making all kinds of future plans for that next baby. As I would snuggle up to our infant I would ask my husband, “See how perfect this is. Just one more? I’m in no hurry but we have to have just one more.” He would smile and agree and life was pretty close to perfect. I’ll spare you the details of the next few weeks but our world was turned upside down for moment.
News came flooding in that the possibility of just one more baby didn’t seem likely. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't ready for it to end. That was almost six months ago and today I can finally say I think I’m at peace. I’m at peace because I know that I have been blessed with four healthy children. Even still a few times a week I’ll look up at him and say, “Isn’t there a way we can have just one more if we wanted to?” He always smiles, kisses my forehead and tells me, “Of course there is.” We both know deep down that that season of our lives is probably over. We are entering different stages with our eleven, six, and three year old and just starting to make sweet memories with our ninth month old. I often think, “Is this normal for women in their child bearing years?” I know plenty of moms who are content and feel “done” after one or two babies. Is it because the decision is there own? I’m so grateful for our family. If this is complete then that’s all I ask but just know.
If you have the same feeling as I have, know you are not alone. Maybe it’s the end of this journey and maybe it isn’t.
Ryann Donahoe is an excellent example of today’s modern mom. As a wife and mother of four she shares all of her experience on balancing mom life while trying to stay on top of the latest trends. With just a brief look at her blog, Balancing In High Heels, you’ll quickly see she shares her thoughts on motherhood, health, fashion and much more. Ryann has always found joy in being a mother, and she blended this with her passion for writing to delight her audience with stories of love, fear and the many challenges that encompass parenthood. Her goal is to share advice that helps all families achieve their best potentials.
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