After 6 Years of Fertility Struggles, Loss and Heartbreak . . .

by Taylor Newberry

 

. . . I am blessed with my triple rainbow!

When my husband and I decided we wanted to start trying to have a family, we had zero worries about being able to get pregnant. I never really had any concerns for getting pregnant! All of our friends were getting pregnant left and right and we just felt like the time was right to start a family! And, at first it was just fun trying! Several months went by and nothing was happening so we decided to track our cycles for ovulation. At this time, I was still pretty positive and optimistic that this would happen easily. One month of disappointment turned into three months, then six, then a year, and then another year. Suddenly, the one thing I rarely thought about, conceiving a baby, became literally the only thing I thought about! It turned into an obsession, I agonized about, cried about, I irrationally blamed myself for every day and I started to become angry at other people about it.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I felt as if enough time had passed after tracking with no success. So, I decided to contact my doctor. She advised me that itʼs normal to take up to a year to try to conceive and some people it just took a little longer. I was still young and healthy and I needed to keep tracking and it will happen. The next month, IT HAPPENED! I was in complete shock! I called my husband immediately and said youʼre not going to believe this.. but weʼre pregnant! I had so many visions in my head on how I was going to surprise him but I was so excited I couldn’t contain myself.

Fast forward to 6 weeks and I was feeling pretty sick...allllllll the time. It was awful! All of our check ups so far weʼre good and normal. At about 13 weeks I started to feel human again. We didn’t have our next appointment until 15 weeks - but I couldn’t wait to see our little baby on the monitor! During our wait for our next appointment, we did a blood genetic test just to be on the safe side and really a peace of mind. They said we would get the results in about two weeks, about the time of our next appointment. The day before our 15 week appointment, my doctor calls and said we need to talk, your results came back with some bad news. Would you be available to come in to get scanned in the next hour. Whatever she was saying on the phone was a blur, I really donʼt remember what all she said except Turner Syndrome. I quickly hung up, called my husband who was out of town at the time and told him what was going on. I had to go to the doctor appointment alone and they confirmed... our baby girl had Turner Syndrome and we needed to be checked weekly to make sure she was still alive! My heart just shattered into a million pieces. Why and how can this be happening to us! After all this time waiting and now this! Itʼs just not fair! I cried and prayed, a lot! The doctor told us that she most likely would not make it another week and it wasn’t looking good. One of the things I prayed for was that if it was her destiny to leave us, to do it on her own terms because there was no way I could terminate on my own. I was willing to do whatever it took if she was to be here on earth! Sadly, we lost our baby girls at 16 weeks.

 
 

I had to wait 4 excruciating days for my D&C. When I had my procedure it was supposed to be a quick in and out day procedure. Nope, not for me. I had complications which resulted in me almost losing my life and to have a blood transfusion due to so much blood being lost. I had to spend two nights in the hospital after dealing with the loss of my baby girl. That whole process is a blur! I only remember certain things and itʼs honestly something I really donʼt want to remember. 4 months after my D&C I had my first cycle. Our doctor advised us to wait a whole year to TRY to conceive! I said I canʼt do that, I wanted to have a family so bad! I would see TV shows about teen mom and 16 and pregnant and couldn’t understand why these girls got to have a baby so easily and carelessly. It seemed like everyone but me was able to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I only talked about my loss and struggles with my husband and family and one or two very close friends. I hate to admit it now but I felt ashamed and blamed myself that it must be my fault, something must be wrong with me. On top of the physical journey, the emotional journey is just as hard! I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I couldn’t hear “it will happen” or “God has a plan” “be patient, it will happen when you least expect it.” I’m definitely a different person today than I was back then! If I could go back I would just hug myself because sometimes that is all someone needs!

That next month I got pregnant again but unfortunately resulted in a chemical pregnancy and we miscarried at 6 weeks. The days turned into months and months which turned into a year before I finally reached out again and said itʼs not working, I need help! I had all my levels checked and my testosterone was undetectable. So, I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. At that time my husband and I were both checked. It was concluded that my right tube was 100% blocked but my husband was okay. We were informed that this wasn’t an issue for conceiving but we would benefit from an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).

We had 2 failed IUI’s, 1 being a miscarried before our third one worked!!! I started feeling super sick so I knew for sure it was positive! At our very first scan at 5 weeks, we went in for our ultrasound and the doctor was shocked! I had an immediate fear overcome me as if he was about to tell us something was wrong. He said yʼall, youʼre not going to believe this but, there are 3 sacs and 3 strong heartbeats. All I remember was looking back at my husband and he looked like he just saw a ghost! Our doctor said, yʼall are having triplets! I just bawled! I was scared, nervous, mad, happy, excited, anxious and a million different feelings all at the same time! I immediately started questioning the safety of this pregnancy and how am I going to be able to carry three babies when I havenʼt even been able to carry one! Our doctor told us he would monitor us very closely but we were in good hands. He told us that my outlook would have a strong influence on my pregnancy. From that day forward I decided to give it all to God and let go. I remained calm and positive throughout my whole pregnancy. Thankfully I had a pretty normal pregnancy. I had no complications or bedrest, I gained 42 pounds and delivered at 34 weeks + 5 days during a planned c - section. I delivered three healthy baby girls all weighing over 4.5 pounds! All of my months and years of struggling, begging and praying for a family - I was just blessed by three!!! My doctor told me my numbers were obviously blessed by 3. 3 losses, 3 IUI’s and now 3 blessings!

Fast forward to 14 months and my baby girls are thriving and living their best life! I know how lucky I am and know what a struggle it is to go through infertility and that not all families have the same results we were finally able to achieve. I still, to this day, have moments of total disbelief - not only that I have lived through these experiences, but that I actually have THREE little blessings! Only now, after all this time, am I able to talk about my journey! I have a strong connection to the struggles and heartbreak me and my husband experienced during our infertility journey and how we went through so much of it alone. I wish there were more people we could have talked to or just been able to connect with that we’re going through or experiencing the same thing. It is not talked about enough and it is so important to me to let people know that you are not alone and there are people out there who will be there for you and support you! There is always hope at the end and to hang in there and have faith! I kiss my girls every day just so proud to be their mama! I know they feel it too how thankful I am to be their mama and how blessed we are to have them in our life! I carry my feelings of my infertility journey with me every day, even if they are not in the front of my mind; they will always be a part of me!

 
Ingrid & IsabelComment